Giving Up Alcohol is Really Hard

Late at night, I inspect my daughters' rooms on this floor from below the stairs. Despite the lights being on, it's quiet. The daughters won't be coming down. My wife is already asleep. I sneak into the kitchen and search through the refrigerator, but there's nothing there. I check every corner meticulously. Still nothing. I open every cabinet in the kitchen. Still nothing. I search around the living room sofa and its surroundings. Still nothing. Why do I have to do this every night? I really hate myself for it. Even thinking about it makes me despise myself. It reminds me of nearly 20 years ago during Lent when I would search for nonexistent alcohol every night. It was due to the self-discipline emphasized during Lent at church.

One of the obstacles for Christians following in the footsteps of Christ and moving towards God the Father is the inherent selfishness, the various improper desires within human beings. Overcoming oneself means restraining these wrongful desires. This act of self-restraint is often accompanied by bodily suffering; hence, it's called self-discipline. Catholics are encouraged to use the money saved from abstaining from their favorite indulgences during Lent to help the poor.

 

According to the teachings of the church, believers voluntarily abstain from alcohol, tobacco, meat, kimchi, television viewing, and makeup. This decision is made by individuals themselves, without any compulsion. Our family also decided each year during Lent to abstain from certain things. I was forced to give up drinking alcohol solely based on my family's decision. At the time, my daughters might have thought there was no other option for me but to give up my favorite alcohol to keep Lenten self-discipline. Therefore, in the first year I abstained from alcohol during Lent, I lasted only a few days before giving in and drinking as heavily as before Lent. I couldn't just leave alcohol at home.

 

The following year, I decided to drink heavily until the day before Lent started so I could get rid of all the alcohol in the house. I thought I wouldn't be able to resist drinking if there wasn't any alcohol at home. I managed to endure for a few days like that, but it was only for a few days. Every night, after making sure my family was asleep, I searched everywhere for alcohol, but I couldn't find any. I realized I couldn't live without alcohol for even a few days. I unilaterally declared the end of Lenten self-discipline because I felt ashamed to face my daughters for breaking my promise. However, I couldn't last more than a few days without alcohol, even with my determination.

 

The following year, I presented a compromise to my family in advance. First, I could drink on weekends. Second, I could drink when guests came over during the week. Third, if invited to someone else's home on a weekday, I couldn't help but drink. With these exceptions, I managed to keep my promise. If I felt like drinking on a weekday, I could just invite guests over, so it wasn't that difficult. Still, during Lent that year, I drank much less than usual. My daughters considered such efforts worthy and generously gave me a grade C for it. So, when spending time with my daughters, I practiced drinking less during Lent as we agreed, but even that wasn't easy. Despite half-heartedly keeping Lenten self-discipline due to my long-standing drinking habit, I quietly endured it. Every time I brushed my teeth in the morning, I felt nauseous, and my eyes were bloodshot, subtly indicating that I was suffering. These symptoms appeared because there was a problem with my liver. I worried that I might develop liver cirrhosis, so I tried to drink less, but my willpower was weak, making it difficult to practice.

 

Many years ago, I had a traffic accident and spent six months in the hospital. Since I couldn't swallow food, I had to be fed through a tube inserted into my stomach, so I couldn't drink alcohol. Even after being discharged from the hospital and a long time had passed, I no longer had a strong desire for alcohol. Although I sometimes feel tempted to drink when there is a banquet, I no longer have the same alcohol tolerance as before. I used to always have eight different types of alcohol at home and drink various kinds every evening. However, now I only have one or two bottles of wine at home. I realized that God helped me in a strange way to almost quit drinking alcohol. I thought that the reason I could avoid harming my health due to alcohol anymore was because of the accident. I recalled the saying, "Human happiness or unhappiness depends on how you think." When I think back to the time when I showed my family that I couldn't practice Lenten self-discipline due to my reliance on them, I feel truly embarrassed.

 

(March 12, 2013)