I flew in the sky

When my two daughters were young, one of the animations we enjoyed watching together was ‘Dumbo’. I loved the movie so much that we watched it together dozens of times. The story about Dumbo, a baby elephant teased for his unusually large ears, who learns to fly with the help of crows, was fascinating. Although the movie was made long ago, it still receives love from children around the world.

 

Even though I have no wings and small ears, I have flown before. After undergoing major surgery to amputate one leg due to a traffic accident and falling into a coma, I woke up two months later. At that time, whether due to the powerful painkillers I received to alleviate the pain or because my consciousness had not fully returned, I always felt confused, as if my mind was floating in space, unable to distinguish between dreams and reality. I often misunderstood things that my family or visitors didn't say, and distorted what I heard, making it difficult to understand. Since my vocal cords were damaged, I couldn't speak and couldn't ask questions, so I had to think for myself.

 

Feeling frustrated because I couldn't speak, I mistakenly thought that my elder daughter once said, "Dad, when you can talk, you have to tell me first." One midnight, I flew out of the hospital room. In all directions, I flew freely, shouting with joy. "Look, Sujin. Dad is flying. But I'm talking." The moment I felt the voice coming out of my mouth, my heart was overwhelmed. After flying for a while, I got tired, landed on the bed, and fell asleep. Later, when dawn broke and the nurse came in, I was about to say, "Good morning!" but remembered the promise to speak to my daughter first, so I closed my mouth. Something felt strange, however. After the nurse left the room, I tried calling my daughter's name loudly to see if I could really speak again. "Sujin!" But no voice came out, only the sound of the wind blowing weakly through my broken vocal cords, making me feel like my heart was collapsing. The difference between hallucination and reality was so great.

 

After that, even when my consciousness did not fully return, I flew several more times. Once, during a hiking event with all the church members, I flew while looking down at my fellow worshippers struggling on the mountain path. Just as the crows teased Dumbo for trying to fly in the movie, saying, "I think I will have seen everything when I see an elephant fly," people would probably tease me if I boasted, "I flew in the sky." They would probably say, "If Stefano says he flew in the sky, there's nothing in the world he can't believe." But I really did fly. The memory of flying freely in space is still vivid. Why doesn't anyone believe me?

 

Six months after my hospitalization, when I was about to be discharged, the doctor prescribed a red pill for severe pain. Taking the pill made me forget the pain, but my heart was full of excitement. It seemed like I could fly in the sky, and all the worries in the world disappeared, making me happy. When I asked the attending physician about my uneasy thoughts, he said that the pill have narcotic effects, surpassing its pain-relieving properties. Looking back, I realized that I flew in a hallucinatory state because the painkiller injected at the hospital was too strong. On stormy or extremely tired days, I sometimes remember the red, smooth pill. If I take just one, my body will feel refreshed... but the temptation of the narcotic persists for years.

 

Several years have passed since I lost one leg in an accident and walked with crutches, but it is still difficult for me to accept the reality of being disabled. I often wonder if I am dreaming. Who can confidently say that what I believe to be reality is a dream when I depart to the next, and what I thought was hallucination is actually reality? If I leave this world and go to the next, the life I lived in this world will seem like a dream.

 

(January 19, 2013)