Lord, let me know my end

Lord, let me know my end

 

Veronica Lee, who died in an automobile accident a few days ago, was a longtime and active member of the church. Not only had I seen her every Sunday for decades, but she had worked with me on the church for several years and often joined me for pork belly lunches after our Wednesday meetings, so when I received the call that she had died suddenly in a car accident, my heart sank. I was stunned to hear that she was hit by a police car that was rushing to chase down a criminal on her evening walk. It was a police car, not another car, and it was an innocent bystander, not the suspect, who was killed in such an accident.

 

She had been in a car accident a few years ago, and during a thorough examination, several cancerous cells were accidentally discovered. During the chemotherapy treatment, it was discovered that the cancer cells had metastasized, and she underwent a difficult surgery, but she managed to cope with everything with her strong spirit and was on the verge of being cured, so it was devastating to see her pass away in an unexpected accident. Traffic accidents are terrible because they can destroy a person in a single moment, regardless of the victim's wishes. As someone who lost a leg in a car accident and has been in pain for a long time, my heart broke for her family.   

 

Every time I met her at the church, she was smiling and bragging about her improving health, and in early August of this year she said, “I became a grandmother today, my daughter gave birth to a baby boy, I feel really good and happy, I'm really happy, I'm happy all day,” and a month ago she said, “My only grandson is so beautiful. He's two months old, and he's trying to smile, and he's trying to babble, and his mouth is pouting.” When I heard that she was in love with her only grandson, and that he left suddenly without saying goodbye, the first thing that came to mind was the face of her kind husband, Joseph.

 

One day last summer, after Sunday Mass, I was invited to visit her house unexpectedly, and when Joseph offered me a glass of soju and handmade soup, he told me that he was glad that Veronica's health was improving, and said, “I don't want anything more than to be able to look at her face.” What words could comfort him? Why hadn't God granted his simple wish? 

 

When I attended the funeral Mass and saw her portrait in front of her coffin, smiling brightly, my heart ached. Is it true that the Almighty Lord is in control of life and death, and if so, why did He take her in such a way and at such a time? Even if I wanted to ask God directly, I couldn't, so I wished someone could give me a straightforward answer.

 

“Lord, let me know my end, the number of my days, that I may know how frail I am” (Psalm 39, 5).

 

Today, the day after the funeral, it has been raining since the morning, and on a day like this, I wonder if drinking soju during the day while listening to the song, ‘Gong(Emptyness)’ will soothe my wistful heart? Joseph sings it as well as the original singer Na Hoon-Ah.

 

“We learn as we live. Sometimes without being told. You, me, everyone. We realize foolishness through life. When we do, laughter follows. How foolishly we all live. Life is a brief visit. A temporary stay in this world. If we live as if it’s a thousand years, even a hundred years feels difficult.” (First verse of ‘Gong’)

 

(October 29, 2020)